Jacob Midas was a crotchety old goat of a man who was was sure there was nothing good about life. One of the few things that brought Jacob pleasure, was his pipe and tobaccos.
One day, while walking in his garden, he saw a really old man asleep in the flowers. Jacob Midas crept up beside him, and very loudly exclaimed, "What the heck do you think you're doing on my property?" The old man abruptly came to, and began to apologized profusely. He then went on to explain that he was no ordinary man at all, but instead, he was the god Dionysus.
"That's fine" said Jacob, "but that doesn't explain why you're sleeping in my yard!" The ancient looking old man stood up and brushed the leaves from his incredibly long gray beard and said, "Well I was doing a bit of recreational toasting somewhere around here with some very raucous and wild persons, but I don't see them at the moment. Tell you what, I'll grant you one wish for your trouble.
Jacob Midas thought for only a second and then said, "I wish for everything I touch to turn to my favorite tobacco." And so it was.
Instantly, the old god vanished and Jacob wondered if he had just had some sort of vision or daydream. But when Jacob Midas bend down and touched a pansy that was near his feet, it turned into his favorite tobacco, aged and ready to smoke.
Jacob soon grew hungry and thin, for each time he tried to eat, he found that his meal had turned to tobacco. Luckily, after trying many different kinds of foods, he discovered that turkey sandwiches with mayonnaise and mustard on honey wheat bread were immune to his touch. Figuring there must be a magic drink that accompanied this life saving meal, he tried many different kinds of beverages until he found two that would magically serve his purposes, Coca Cola in little glass bottles, or Scotch. Thankfully, Jacob's touch did not affect his clothes, his pipe or bed, but nearly everything else turned to tobacco at his lightest touch.
Not much later, a census worker visited Jacob Midas. To the census worker's surprise, Mr. Midas invited him in. Jacob explained to the fellow that he was fresh out of nice chairs to sit in, but if he wouldn't mind, he could sit on the edge of that large glass jar over there in the corner.
The census fellow obliged and sooner rather than later, he was transformed into Jacob's favorite tobacco, safely stored in a large airtight glass jar.
Jacob Midas lived long enough to see the god Dionysus again. This time the god asked Jacob if he'd like for him to reverse his wish, as he knew it may be very troublesome for him.
A long stream of cursing, unsuitable for anyone to hear, erupted from Jacob Midas. Dionysus replied, "Okie dokie." With that, the god disappeared and Jacob went back inside to fetch a cold little bottle of Coca Cola and a fresh bowl of his favorite tobacco.